This month, many residences, police stations, and churches display purple lights to recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month — but simply hanging lights is not enough. In Wayland, advocates are working diligently to educate, advocate, and create changes that will further help protect the victims of domestic abuse who live in Wayland and throughout the Commonwealth.
In 2024, Dr. Mei-Ling Ellerman, a Wayland resident and a coercive control expert, advocated amending a proposed law (H.4744) that would make a change in criteria for obtaining restraining orders. The law, which went into effect in 2024, now includes a category called “coercive control” that allows victims to show a pattern of abuse such as threats, manipulation, isolation and other forms of behavior that causes a reasonable fear of physical harm or a reduced sense of safety and a reduced autonomy. Before the 2024 amendment, Massachusetts’ abuse-prevention law covered physical harm and attempts to cause it, fear of imminent serious physical harm, and sexual relations compelled by force, threats or duress.
According to Ellerman, some victims don’t initially recognize that their abusers are using psychological abuse and manipulation and a host of other forms of coercive control. Many have never heard of psychological and emotional abuse, and are unaware of the new coercive control law.
Take the case of Lorraine Silva, who was struck in the face after interrupting her husband by asking a question. It wasn’t until she sought counseling that she was able to sort through and recognize the many forms of coercive control being used against her and her children. She ultimately realized that she had been walking on eggshells for years and that even her children knew that they had to watch what they said and did to avoid negative consequences from their abusive father. Still, in an attempt to keep her family together, she made the decision to give the marriage another chance for a year.
When Silva finally decided to end the relationship, her ex-husband destroyed rooms in the home, denied her access to the safe and her passwords, and blamed her for breaking up “a perfect marriage.” Fearing for her safety and that of her children, she involved the police and filed a request to vacate. Silva eventually lost her house and health insurance and was was required, she said, to give her husband half of her inheritance. While her husband used the money to buy a newer home, she was forced to buy a fixer-upper.
Ellerman, who served on the town’s HRDEIC committee, says that this behavior is common with abusers post-separation. Some highly uninvolved fathers transition to targeting and abusing their children post-separation in order to keep control over the adult survivor, their former partner.
“That’s when they change behavior.They know that they’re causing fear and harm and start to target the children,” she said. “They often try to build a narrative of being a fit parent by suddenly becoming very involved in their children’s lives and insisting on spending time with them. Through shared custody and the constant communication and contact needed with the survivor parent, they are still able to exercise control over the former spouse.”
In family court, they can create a false narrative and discredit and isolate the survivor parent; this approach is called DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender), Ellerman said. “They often try to peddle their false narrative about the survivor parent being mentally unstable, vindictive, manipulative, greedy, etc., to third parties who have influence over the adult and child survivors such as judges, police, DCF, school administrators, coaches, medical professionals, and even family members.”
Today, Silva works with Ellerman as an advocate for other victims of domestic abuse. She even helped make phone calls to invite officers to Ellerman’s grant-funded Law Enforcement Training on Coercive Control, where police officers from more than a dozen communities attended a training in Wayland on domestic abuse.
Silva, who still worries about the effects of abuse on her children and is still dealing with being stalked and recorded, will continue to fight for victims’ rights.
“Inconsistency in the court system is a big problem. Make it fair and accountable, and believe the victims and help the children,” she said. “My situation is mild compared to others. I had a good support system and could afford to get out.”
Trixie Cooper, another victim of domestic abuse, lost her home, custody of her children, and her business after leaving her marriage and filing for divorce. After four years of psychological abuse, manipulation, threats, and being prevented from speaking to or spending time with her children, she ultimately decided to reach out to the police. Officers advised her to meet with a Domestic Violence Advocate.
This year, citing the many forms of control and manipulation she suffered at the hand of her ex-husband in front of a judge, Cooper was finally granted a one-year restraining order. Now, when she attends her children’s sporting events, she no longer worries about seeing her ex, who is prohibited from calling her or being within a certain minimum distance from her.
“This didn’t need to be a four-year event,” she said. “I am finally rebuilding and have my confidence back because someone listened to me finally. District Court is a whole separate entity from Probate and Family Court and they are not related — they don’t talk. To them, me being abused has nothing to do with the custody of the children.”
Ellerman is currently working on passing additional legislation that will help courts look at the effect of coercive control on adult and child victims.She and the statewide coalitions TRAC (Together Rising Above Coercion) and Jane Doe Inc. are collaborating to pass a law on abusive litigation, a common tactic abusers use to psychologically abuse and financially devastate their victims post-separation. She will be starting a new research project on coercive control over children to gather data that will help the Courts recognize how frequently abusive parents target their own children, and the harm that ongoing abuse causes.
Astley nonprofit
Malcolm Astley, co-founder of the Lauren Dunne Astley Memorial Fund and father of Lauren Astley, who was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in July 2011, said the nonprofit continues the work of educating teens about domestic violence and dating violence. The mission of the organization is to “promote dynamic educational programs, particularly those in the areas of the development of healthy teen relationships, the arts, and community.” Their work continues. Recently, members traveled to Wyalusing, Pa., and Yuma, Ariz., to present educational conferences.
On Oct. 9, Wayland and Sudbury held their annual “Purple Out” October football game to recognize Domestic Violence Month where fans and players wore purple to help raise awareness.
